stay here or go home

☁︎

Jan 21, 2023 - 11:05PM

I AM LIKE SO GENUINELY HYPE

Jan 20, 2023 - 9:25PM

the best memory I have is the feeling of kissing her in front of the church after the cops in DC exactly 6 years ago to the date (which is Jan 20th)

Jan 20, 2023 - 9:23PM

(s)quirt

Jan 06, 2023 - 6:42PM

She's jerking off on camera, her dick harder than it's been since the last time we did this, she tells me, and I know it's the truth, because she's dirty, she's nasty, she's a pig and a whore and all mine. There's a line in a MGK song that's "you're the only one that I send a drunk text to, maybe that's because you're the only one that gets me hard during drunk sex, huh" and then the chorus squeals miss yo-oo-ou, sex on the couch, it was cool... and that's what I'm thinking about watching her hips twitch. She's gained weight since the last time we saw each other in person, even tho she doesn't take estrogen, worrying it'll leave her even more limp-dicked, but her tummy spills softly over her unbuttoned jeans and her bellybutton leers cavernously with every jiggle. I'm so fucking into it. I lean closer to my computer screen. My mouth is moving but it doesn't really matter what I'm saying, what matters is that she's getting close, too. When she cums it's hard and violent the way we fuck. It hits the wall behind her bed, like it's done before, and she shudders and gasps, like she's done before, and her body goes limp, like it's done before, and she smiles so sweetly it's like the first time. I take my feet away from the camera and root around in my bed for my socks. Behind both of us masks both medical and aesthetic cluster like a warning, or a halo. I tease her about the cum dripping off one black mask onto another, and her voice crackles with laughter, so loud and close it's like she's here.

Dec 30, 2022 - 11:33AM

a fridge poem:

my problems are questions

I am an obvious pleasure machine

my heart did not drink to speak

but I have nothing new to say

this intimate thing

absolute and magic

a little fire explores

and this laugh lingers

yes I believed in their power

don't you remember

we were touching like lavender

that night we survived

Dec 28, 2022 - 2:35AM

dairy as self harm :(

Dec 28, 2022 - 2:34AM

i like how "bird" can colloquially mean both "slut" and "faggot" [wink]

Dec 28, 2022 - 2:32AM

being the only one of your kind that a client is seeing is good business but when you're the only one of your kind a lover is seeing that feels rough

Dec 28, 2022 - 2:30AM

beginning to think that the amount I write is directly correlated to the amount I drive lol

Dec 27, 2022 - 2:55PM

she she she she she she she she she THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEy

Dec 26, 2022 - 11:43PM

Odo and Quark Kiss @ YouTube

What We Left Behind: Deep Space Nine Documentary on YouTube

Dec 26, 2022 - 11:39PM

ho(l)lo(w)gram

Dec 21, 2022 - 7:29PM

whenever someone says "wow I love your name it's so unique" i say "thanks it's an old testament name 🔯🔥😈🔥🔯"

Dec 21, 2022 - 7:24PM

no matter how bad shit gets at least I'm not Paulie & Christopher in the Pine Barrens episode of the Sopranos

Dec 21, 2022 - 7:09PM

called out of work to send books to prisoners bc if the world ends tomorrow that's something I won't regret as a waste of time

Dec 21, 2022 - 11:34AM

2023 goals (ongoing):

make a sundaysites site at least once

quit my day job lmao

get my shit together re: PHN and BTB (ie make a calendar?? bulletin board?? something?? to keep track of the work I'm doing / that needs to be done)

etc

Dec 20, 2022 - 4:48PM

re: last post: if someone is doing violence towards me I'd rather it be as a woman and not as a gay man lol

Dec 20, 2022 - 4:46PM

maybe this is a hot take but if a strange man is yelling at me I'd take "hey baby" over "hey faggot" any day lol

Dec 20, 2022 - 4:37PM

currently reading: https://crimethinc.com/2013/10/04/feature-deserting-the-digital-utopia

Dec 20, 2022 - 12:50PM

apparently crimethinc has a Bandcamp full of punk albums they support for free?? fuckin excellent - I need to come back to this next time I'm on a seemingly endless drive

Dec 19, 2022 - 7:40PM

re: re: last post: it was NOT a sting and it went VERY well :3

Dec 19, 2022 - 3:47PM

re: last post: then again this perfect client could be a sting lmfao

Dec 19, 2022 - 1:55PM

today I've been hired to help a 25 y/o agender person kiss and be physically intimate w/ someone for the first time. I'm so fuckin honored to be asked to help heal a childhood trauma and I truly pray I don't fuck it up!!!!!!!!

Dec 18, 2022 - 9:42PM

"prepare for the lovely unexpected"

Dec 18, 2022 - 4:51PM

I've been more consciously(sp? correct word?) curating my outfits & individual articles of clothing and it's been kinda nice

Dec 18, 2022 - 1:21PM

KILL THE COP IN UR HEAD

Dec 18, 2022 - 1:21PM

follow me on the fediverse :)

Dec 18, 2022 - 1:20PM

recently I deleted/deactivated all my extraneous online profiles because I realized that when I'm looking at stuff on the internet - scrolling thru timelines and feeds - I'm not actually interested in what I'm consuming, I'm just passively experience other people's interests, and while that in itself interests me, I'd rather devote my brain energy (brainergy?) to things that I'm genuinely invested in.

sooooo what have I been doing instead??

playing online solitaire and spades

playing chess online w/ my lover & my father (separate games lol) (they are both way better than me and I need to practice more)

investigating non-app games, none of which I've played that much (except wordle), but I'd like to, maybe next time I'm in a doctor's waiting room or on public transit (I'm linking some games I've found below so I can find them more easily later)

https://ludipe.itch.io/the-night-spoke-our-names

https://skribbl.io/?IfLmLNHtDZFU

https://nytimes.com/games/wordle/index.html

https://addictinggames.com/

https://coolmathgames.com/

Dec 17, 2022 - 9:32PM

article on why using a vpn doesn't actually matter*

*to be considered along w/ further investigation

Dec 17, 2022 - 9:31PM

Hunt and peck (two-fingered typing) is a common form of typing in which the typist presses each key individually.

this is something my dad does and i love it and i love my dad :)

Dec 17, 2022 - 8:54PM

once again, feeling Content about my Content :)

Dec 17, 2022 - 8:53PM

someone hurts someone while they are on substances > the person who is hurt doesn't understand the way substances make hurt people hurt other people > the person who is hurt draws a line, the hurt person doesn't cross it > the hurt person becomes sober > the person who is hurt only sees the space where the hurt person used to be > but the space they fill now is different, they line between them doesn't hold the same structure > so what is the answer ? is it possible for someone who isn't an addict to accept the amends made by someone who is? if all we are is outlines and then the people we love fill us up, is an addict just an empty bottle? is a sober addict just a broken bottle? can we be sober without being broken? can we be broken and still be sober?

Dec 17, 2022 - 8:52PM

slowly the dreams where I am begging you to come back become dreams where I am begging you to come over / to notice me / to laugh for me / to sing the way you did

Dec 17, 2022 - 8:52PM

there are still people I need to make amends to; I wonder how I'll find them when I've taken care to delete myself as quietly as possible

Dec 17, 2022 - 8:51PM

why do all my clients have the same name as my dad 😭😭😭

May 07, 2022 - 8:40PM

keep having dreams where You and I are getting married ? hugging ? I am holding you and you are holding someone else ? in every dream you say "I shouldn't be doing this" and then you do it anyway - just like you used to do, just like we used to be - I tell people about Us and they are horrified by what they think is a lack of intimacy - no identifying photos - nothing to remember Us by - I swear that anonymity was intimacy unhindered - we could be whoever we wanted - I wanted to be With You - you wanted to be Something Else - in my dreams we don't work out, either - I sob to the rap we used to scream to - I choke up at every geographic anomaly - incognito means I don't know where to avoid until I'm already there - I whisper your name into a fire - I see you everywhere and nowhere. maybe I'll never see you again.

Apr 12, 2022 - 11:58AM

for someone who is anti-academia, i sure have fucked a lot of professors

Apr 11, 2022 - 9:31PM

been thinking a lot about shame as a concept and as a tool to heal yourself & others FROM yrself

Mar 30, 2022 - 8:39PM

"treason, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder "

Mar 29, 2022 - 7:04AM

trying to hang out less with people who talk about themselves more

Mar 08, 2022 - 1:30PM

TENDER-- FUCKED

GENDER-- DUCKED!

Jan 23, 2022 - 11:13AM

[nonsensical improvisation]

Jan 21, 2022 - 9:22PM

old timey detectives

Jan 21, 2022 - 8:31PM

"you either die or you live long enough to become problematic"

Jan 20, 2022 - 1:21PM

"my dear felon"

Jan 18, 2022 - 6:08PM

Annoying, Transsexual, Cancellation Inevitable

Jan 18, 2022 - 6:08PM

Deprived, Depraved, And Medically Insane

Jan 04, 2022 - 6:59PM

"positively horny with grief"

Jan 02, 2022 - 1:54PM

"you hate me, bitch, it's a mutual feeling"

Jan 01, 2022 - 10:38AM

compound w (the stuff you use to get rid of warts) smells exactly like poppers (the stuff you use to have gay sex)

Jan 01, 2022 - 12:48AM

shooting the shit, or as the gays call it, pillow talk

Dec 27, 2021 - 4:34PM

"communist sympathizer and misfit"

Dec 21, 2021 - 8:06PM

"heckling: the world's second oldest profession"

Dec 21, 2021 - 2:59PM

feeling content about my content

Dec 20, 2021 - 7:44PM

"golly, like, what a homo"

Dec 20, 2021 - 1:41PM

just went on a walk without taking meds directly before or after for the first time in literally YEARS :)

Dec 10, 2021 - 9:05AM

a man wearing a dirty neon construction sweatshirt driving a beautifully maintained white limo

Dec 09, 2021 - 12:10AM

MORE DANGEROUS THAN A SHOTGUN

Dec 08, 2021 - 12:03PM

putting off pulling my tarot card for today bc i don't wanna get dragged

Dec 07, 2021 - 9:58PM

i like musicals i just don't like Musical Theatre

Dec 07, 2021 - 9:20PM

"stop making your hatred of yourself someone else's problem"

Dec 04, 2021 - 2:44PM

S/P/A/R/K/I/L/L/

Dec 03, 2021 - 9:34AM

relearning how to enjoy kissing

Dec 02, 2021 - 12:46PM

every single dream i have about my cat getting lost we always find each other again <333

Nov 29, 2021 - 9:10PM

"I guess people with criminal records can be poets too__"

Nov 29, 2021 - 6:04PM

"if farts are fair game, so is g0d"

Nov 26, 2021 - 7:47PM

"I shave, sir. I have a driver's license. I've won a couple of fist fights. I've saved a life. I've lain with women. I've been hustled at pool. I've defied my father's wishes. I have broken hearts and I have been heartbroken. So, by all the markers of this society, I am a grown man."

Nov 21, 2021 - 1:06PM

"they call you a rat because rats will do anything to survive, isn't that right?" -- goodfellas, still.

Nov 18, 2021 - 7:58PM

"that's what the fbi would never understand, that this organization offered protection for people who couldn't go to the cops." -- goodfellas

Nov 16, 2021 - 6:44PM

I can hear tenderqueers talking about how they hate being discriminated against for being tenderqueers and I just threw up. they're unrelated but they feel similar

Nov 16, 2021 - 12:02PM

i guess Being In Recovery means being the person who gets dr+gs stolen from them and not the person who is stealing the dr+gs 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪

Nov 16, 2021 - 11:56AM

TENDERIZE MY HEART

Nov 14, 2021 - 10:12PM

M A S C //////////// U P

Nov 13, 2021 - 6:06PM

"doors @ 7, orgy @ 8"

Nov 13, 2021 - 11:42AM

Behold!

I come like a thief--

Oh child, you cannot stay awake

this long.

Were you raised to fear yourself

like I was?

Oh darling, a yew-bloom into debt-sin.

Is this not what you wanted?

Creation without limit?

Oh, where are my manners?

Let me introduce you to perdition.

I lay myself on your chest.

My home is your voice.

Child, I am crazed with you.

Oh, strapped for sustenance--

I will consume all you love.

I will consume all who love you.

[revolution and/or revelation]

[revulsion and/or revision]

There is no escape without sleep.

I am a w[hole]. I empty as I fill.

Child, I missed you. I mist you.

I guest you. I ghost you.

I will be your final meal.

I will meet you within the past.

We will walk the aisle

to the altar of the future.

This will be our final communication.

[commission from late 2020, to be played as a game on a website that I can't currently remember the name of but I'll edit this post if I think of it lmao]

Nov 13, 2021 - 8:10AM

being an adult is putting the fitted sheet back on yr bed during sxx instead of just flinging it across the room to be dealt with when the drxgs wear off

Nov 12, 2021 - 12:29PM

"When the person you are visiting enters and departs you may exchange a brief kiss and embrace.

No other kissing or hugging is allowed. You may hold hands."

-- CFCF prison website

Nov 12, 2021 - 12:34AM

VENUS IN TAURUS

i left after she

came. already planning on

lying at home, too.

Nov 11, 2021 - 9:14AM

i keep coming back to a convo w/ a friend i had about pulling cards every other day instead of every day and it's a cool concept: less stress of remembering to do something every day, more time to consider how you interact w/ the world thru the lense of that card. i think it would be interesting to document the times the cards speak to me in relation to things happening in my life, so i can see if pulling them is having any significant impact on my quality of life/mental health/etc.

Nov 05, 2021 - 12:37AM

""scorched earth""

Nov 01, 2021 - 6:56PM

gender of the day is "fuckshit cousin"

Oct 29, 2021 - 8:20PM

CRYING IN THE 7/11 PARKING LOT,,,, SHE SAID,

"you're like a pot of gold tucked away in a cave just over the crest of a mountain range"

AND THEN SHE SAID,

"a trek to find yet truly so cherishable and view is so worthwhile"

AND I KEPT CRYING BUT IT FELT OKAY I FELT OKAY

Oct 28, 2021 - 7:23PM

alright guys ive scheduled The Surgery* at the end of November !!!!

*gettin part of my spine removed so i can walk properly lmao

Oct 17, 2021 - 7:53PM

pigs grunting

Oct 16, 2021 - 11:15AM

im not anti-FA, im anti fa la la la la la la la la

Oct 16, 2021 - 11:13AM

wow can't wait for The Surgery*

*severing my torso and getting rid of the rest

Oct 14, 2021 - 9:18PM

my favorite sound in the world is strangers laughing in the distance, it just brings me JOY !

Oct 13, 2021 - 4:46PM

ALL GUILTS ARE PLEASURES

Oct 13, 2021 - 4:46PM

a blessed object that looks like a cursed object

Oct 08, 2021 - 8:06PM

"injury or birth"

Oct 08, 2021 - 5:52PM

2day i tasted my homie's breast milk and can confirm it's sweet just like her

Oct 07, 2021 - 2:06PM

acid 222 stimmies 222 cashmonay 222 tattuu (!!!!) "the guy who sells a paperclip and buys a house but the g@y dr*g version"

Oct 02, 2021 - 8:58PM

[imperceptible]

Oct 02, 2021 - 4:01PM

s[i/u]n

Oct 02, 2021 - 3:58PM

i said, i know you're tough, you don't have to prove it to me

and then she said, the hardest thing about us is our tattoos

Oct 02, 2021 - 3:55PM

gonna start doing some things differently.

Oct 02, 2021 - 3:54PM

0 DD 777o

Sep 30, 2021 - 5:17PM

"some change cannot be fought, only accepted w/ grace. let yrself move forward, and put this battle behind you."

Sep 30, 2021 - 5:16PM

"a leadership role also demands that you know when to step back"

Sep 30, 2021 - 5:15PM

"there are resources available to you that can only be capitalized upon thru boundless persistence"

Sep 29, 2021 - 9:44PM

fuck, i think i love her, and

Sep 29, 2021 - 9:12PM

am i being followed by the cops or does a cop car just happen to be behind me

Sep 29, 2021 - 9:07PM

The Hole In Me is gettin ROUGH around the edges

Sep 23, 2021 - 10:36PM

IF NOT ABLE TO ELIMINATE THE OPTION OF CAPTURE ONE SHOULD AT LEAST MINIMIZE THE OPPORTUNITY FOR IT

Sep 19, 2021 - 5:34PM

they told me it was lox AND creamcheese but they gave me lox-BASED creamcheese 😤

Sep 18, 2021 - 11:06PM

i can be friends w/ppl who dnt always see eye2eye, rite??

Sep 18, 2021 - 9:28PM

where should i leave to?

when am i welcome?

howdoiknowhowdoiknowhowdoiiiiiii

Sep 17, 2021 - 8:59PM

currently: spraying coconut milk whipped cream into my mouth

Sep 11, 2021 - 7:29PM

horse tranq makes brain feel freshly ironed

Sep 11, 2021 - 9:44AM

woke up from a beautiful dream crying bc it has no basis in reality

Sep 10, 2021 - 9:26PM

IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES TRUE

IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES ALIVE

IF I BELIEVE IT ENOUGH TIMES IT REPEATS

IF I BELIEVE IT REPEATS IT BECOMES ALIVE

IF I BELIEVE IT ALIVE IT BECOMES TRUE

Sep 06, 2021 - 8:59PM

talking w/ my lawyer is just thought-crime intervention ya know lmao

Sep 06, 2021 - 8:56PM

UNEMPLOYED

&&&

UNEMPLOYABLE

&&&

thus,

UNGOVERNABLE

Sep 05, 2021 - 10:33PM

i understand why this book is an international success but the author describes women so rudely that it barely seems worth it

Sep 02, 2021 - 10:37PM

YOU CAN TRY BUT I WONT GO QUIET

IN THE BACK OF A COP CAR

YOU CAN TRY BUT I WONT GO QUIET

I N T H E B A C K O F A C O P C A R

Sep 02, 2021 - 5:34PM

IF I CANT HAVE LOVE I WANT POWER

Sep 02, 2021 - 2:01PM

do you think jinxing is real? Like talking about stuff will scare it away from happening?

Sep 02, 2021 - 1:39PM

sex is just a weapon that you won't have to use a lot if you're any good at it

Aug 30, 2021 - 11:56PM

can we please start cancelling poets I wanna duke it out in the arena like g0ds

Aug 30, 2021 - 11:48PM

having relationships that change and grow to contain the experiences of that friendship is a blessing. I am learning how to accept support from anywhere even if it is somewhere I wouldn't have accepted before. I am realizing I can hold negative things I know a person has done in the same breath as I know they are anchoring me into the moment. I am so so raw but I want it to work, in the sense that I don't ever want to feel estranged from my heart-friends, even if our paths are no longer together I want to cheer my ex-lovers on! I want to be a supportive person and feel confident about my support people. I want to know in my soul that you will have my back even if we never talk after this. I want to wake up with the ghost of your hand lingering on my hair.

Aug 30, 2021 - 1:06PM

if you see this post yr encouraged to take this survey: https://tiny.cc/acab

Aug 29, 2021 - 9:48PM

"queerer than a box of birds"

Aug 29, 2021 - 5:39PM

I'm from EN. E. DOUBLEYOU. jerz

Aug 28, 2021 - 9:15AM

i knew it was serious when they took my passport + locked the door

Aug 26, 2021 - 2:50PM

IF I DIE IN CUSTODY AND THEY CALL IT A SUICIDE JUST KNOW THAT IT WASN'T AND THEY KILLED ME

Aug 26, 2021 - 2:34PM

"activation time is 60 min" bi t ch i'm ILL

Aug 26, 2021 - 1:49PM

the bass hits different when yr not here

Aug 24, 2021 - 5:56PM

I FELL IN LOVE / IN THE BACK / OF A COP CAR

Aug 24, 2021 - 5:54PM

"my identity by itself causes violence"

Aug 24, 2021 - 1:39PM

A BAD BITCH

GAVE ME BOMB HEAD

TO BAD BRAINS

[run the jewels]

Aug 23, 2021 - 11:56PM

falling asleep sitting up dreaming about praying in my pastor's voice

Aug 23, 2021 - 1:04PM

"you'd hate a cop car too if you ever had to sit in the back of it" [dae zhen]

Aug 21, 2021 - 5:01PM

hmmm looks like today's gender is "crying in the laundromat"

Aug 13, 2021 - 11:07AM

fuck: bro

marry: bruh

kill: bra

Aug 09, 2021 - 12:20AM

read a letter today from someone on death row who is rapidly going blind + is being ignored by all the prison doctors, who he says have basically given up on him, + not to put too fine of a point on it, but that's why i hate anyone who works with prisons or cops, even if they don't see themselves as cops; they're just as complicit in upholding the dehumanization of individuals in the system.

Aug 05, 2021 - 2:01PM

i really frICkeED iT Up ThIs tImE didn't i my duuUUUuude

Aug 02, 2021 - 3:32PM

roses are red

the thin line is blue

your bosses & landlord

don't care abt u!!!!!!!!!!!

Jul 31, 2021 - 11:37PM

i am the family emergency

Jul 31, 2021 - 11:32PM

fuck: shit-talking

marry: pillow-talk

kill: emotional labor

Jul 26, 2021 - 2:29PM

I.

the astrologers in their infinite mercy

only cluck at my cards this time

II.

we all know i’ll skip a party to wait for

a text that doesn’t happen

III.

i’m not making my bed i haven’t in weeks

i’m just lying in it

IX.

i came out when poets still listed the states

we were allowed to consummate

marriage in and the crowd chanted

their contrapuntal traumas back

to us

Jul 26, 2021 - 2:16PM

one time i read something that said "​whenever i feel uncomfortable in public i write i really gassed up missed connection about myself and feel better" and its truly stuck w/ me as a self-care tactic

Jul 26, 2021 - 2:15PM

​multiple small birds keyboard smashing to funky jamz

Jul 26, 2021 - 12:11AM

some reimagined words i like:

traggot (trans+faggot)

vant (vent+rant)

bussy (boy-pussy)

jort (short jeans)

svp ('pls' but french)

anartist (anarcho-artist, can be deg. or not)

shants (either 'shall nots' or 'shit pants')

jockey (wearing jeans while playing hockey)

Jul 25, 2021 - 2:58PM

IN TRANNY JAIL PEOPLE WHO HATE ME WILL SHARE THEIR CIGS WITH ME

i don't even like cigs but

around the fire we are all the same kind

of faggot /

there are liberals who think the solution to

overcrowded prisons is building

more prisons

then sorting the trannies out of regular jail

and putting them in a newly built

tranny jail

and in tranny jail,

we're gonna lift weights and compare shitty tattoos

in tranny jail,

people who have beef with me probably still

have beef with me and i wonder

all the time if we're all

in tranny jail together,

will we finally uplift each other?

will tranny jail make us kinder animals?

(we'll never know b/c if they get enuf of us in a cell we'll bang down the bars)


stay here or go home