stay here or go home
I AM LIKE SO GENUINELY HYPE
the best memory I have is the feeling of kissing her in front of the church after the cops in DC exactly 6 years ago to the date (which is Jan 20th)
She's jerking off on camera, her dick harder than it's been since the last time we did this, she tells me, and I know it's the truth, because she's dirty, she's nasty, she's a pig and a whore and all mine. There's a line in a MGK song that's "you're the only one that I send a drunk text to, maybe that's because you're the only one that gets me hard during drunk sex, huh" and then the chorus squeals miss yo-oo-ou, sex on the couch, it was cool... and that's what I'm thinking about watching her hips twitch. She's gained weight since the last time we saw each other in person, even tho she doesn't take estrogen, worrying it'll leave her even more limp-dicked, but her tummy spills softly over her unbuttoned jeans and her bellybutton leers cavernously with every jiggle. I'm so fucking into it. I lean closer to my computer screen. My mouth is moving but it doesn't really matter what I'm saying, what matters is that she's getting close, too. When she cums it's hard and violent the way we fuck. It hits the wall behind her bed, like it's done before, and she shudders and gasps, like she's done before, and her body goes limp, like it's done before, and she smiles so sweetly it's like the first time. I take my feet away from the camera and root around in my bed for my socks. Behind both of us masks both medical and aesthetic cluster like a warning, or a halo. I tease her about the cum dripping off one black mask onto another, and her voice crackles with laughter, so loud and close it's like she's here.
my problems are questions
I am an obvious pleasure machine
my heart did not drink to speak
but I have nothing new to say
this intimate thing
absolute and magic
a little fire explores
and this laugh lingers
yes I believed in their power
don't you remember
we were touching like lavender
that night we survived
dairy as self harm :(
i like how "bird" can colloquially mean both "slut" and "faggot" [wink]
being the only one of your kind that a client is seeing is good business but when you're the only one of your kind a lover is seeing that feels rough
beginning to think that the amount I write is directly correlated to the amount I drive lol
she she she she she she she she she THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEY THEy
whenever someone says "wow I love your name it's so unique" i say "thanks it's an old testament name 🔯🔥😈🔥🔯"
no matter how bad shit gets at least I'm not Paulie & Christopher in the Pine Barrens episode of the Sopranos
called out of work to send books to prisoners bc if the world ends tomorrow that's something I won't regret as a waste of time
2023 goals (ongoing):
make a sundaysites site at least once
quit my day job lmao
re: last post: if someone is doing violence towards me I'd rather it be as a woman and not as a gay man lol
maybe this is a hot take but if a strange man is yelling at me I'd take "hey baby" over "hey faggot" any day lol
currently reading: https://crimethinc.com/2013/10/04/feature-deserting-the-digital-utopia
re: re: last post: it was NOT a sting and it went VERY well :3
re: last post: then again this perfect client could be a sting lmfao
today I've been hired to help a 25 y/o agender person kiss and be physically intimate w/ someone for the first time. I'm so fuckin honored to be asked to help heal a childhood trauma and I truly pray I don't fuck it up!!!!!!!!
I've been more consciously(sp? correct word?) curating my outfits & individual articles of clothing and it's been kinda nice
recently I deleted/deactivated all my extraneous online profiles because I realized that when I'm looking at stuff on the internet - scrolling thru timelines and feeds - I'm not actually interested in what I'm consuming, I'm just passively experience other people's interests, and while that in itself interests me, I'd rather devote my brain energy (brainergy?) to things that I'm genuinely invested in.
sooooo what have I been doing instead??
playing online solitaire and spades
playing chess online w/ my lover & my father (separate games lol) (they are both way better than me and I need to practice more)
investigating non-app games, none of which I've played that much (except wordle), but I'd like to, maybe next time I'm in a doctor's waiting room or on public transit (I'm linking some games I've found below so I can find them more easily later)
*to be considered along w/ further investigation
Hunt and peck (two-fingered typing) is a common form of typing in which the typist presses each key individually.
this is something my dad does and i love it and i love my dad :)
once again, feeling Content about my Content :)
someone hurts someone while they are on substances > the person who is hurt doesn't understand the way substances make hurt people hurt other people > the person who is hurt draws a line, the hurt person doesn't cross it > the hurt person becomes sober > the person who is hurt only sees the space where the hurt person used to be > but the space they fill now is different, they line between them doesn't hold the same structure > so what is the answer ? is it possible for someone who isn't an addict to accept the amends made by someone who is? if all we are is outlines and then the people we love fill us up, is an addict just an empty bottle? is a sober addict just a broken bottle? can we be sober without being broken? can we be broken and still be sober?
slowly the dreams where I am begging you to come back become dreams where I am begging you to come over / to notice me / to laugh for me / to sing the way you did
there are still people I need to make amends to; I wonder how I'll find them when I've taken care to delete myself as quietly as possible
why do all my clients have the same name as my dad 😭😭😭
keep having dreams where You and I are getting married ? hugging ? I am holding you and you are holding someone else ? in every dream you say "I shouldn't be doing this" and then you do it anyway - just like you used to do, just like we used to be - I tell people about Us and they are horrified by what they think is a lack of intimacy - no identifying photos - nothing to remember Us by - I swear that anonymity was intimacy unhindered - we could be whoever we wanted - I wanted to be With You - you wanted to be Something Else - in my dreams we don't work out, either - I sob to the rap we used to scream to - I choke up at every geographic anomaly - incognito means I don't know where to avoid until I'm already there - I whisper your name into a fire - I see you everywhere and nowhere. maybe I'll never see you again.
for someone who is anti-academia, i sure have fucked a lot of professors
been thinking a lot about shame as a concept and as a tool to heal yourself & others FROM yrself
"treason, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder "
trying to hang out less with people who talk about themselves more
"you either die or you live long enough to become problematic"
"my dear felon"
Annoying, Transsexual, Cancellation Inevitable
Deprived, Depraved, And Medically Insane
"positively horny with grief"
"you hate me, bitch, it's a mutual feeling"
compound w (the stuff you use to get rid of warts) smells exactly like poppers (the stuff you use to have gay sex)
shooting the shit, or as the gays call it, pillow talk
"communist sympathizer and misfit"
"heckling: the world's second oldest profession"
feeling content about my content
"golly, like, what a homo"
just went on a walk without taking meds directly before or after for the first time in literally YEARS :)
a man wearing a dirty neon construction sweatshirt driving a beautifully maintained white limo
MORE DANGEROUS THAN A SHOTGUN
putting off pulling my tarot card for today bc i don't wanna get dragged
i like musicals i just don't like Musical Theatre
"stop making your hatred of yourself someone else's problem"
relearning how to enjoy kissing
every single dream i have about my cat getting lost we always find each other again <333
"I guess people with criminal records can be poets too__"
"if farts are fair game, so is g0d"
"I shave, sir. I have a driver's license. I've won a couple of fist fights. I've saved a life. I've lain with women. I've been hustled at pool. I've defied my father's wishes. I have broken hearts and I have been heartbroken. So, by all the markers of this society, I am a grown man."
"they call you a rat because rats will do anything to survive, isn't that right?" -- goodfellas, still.
"that's what the fbi would never understand, that this organization offered protection for people who couldn't go to the cops." -- goodfellas
I can hear tenderqueers talking about how they hate being discriminated against for being tenderqueers and I just threw up. they're unrelated but they feel similar
i guess Being In Recovery means being the person who gets dr+gs stolen from them and not the person who is stealing the dr+gs 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪
TENDERIZE MY HEART
M A S C //////////// U P
"doors @ 7, orgy @ 8"
I come like a thief--
Oh child, you cannot stay awake
Were you raised to fear yourself
like I was?
Oh darling, a yew-bloom into debt-sin.
Is this not what you wanted?
Creation without limit?
Oh, where are my manners?
Let me introduce you to perdition.
I lay myself on your chest.
My home is your voice.
Child, I am crazed with you.
Oh, strapped for sustenance--
I will consume all you love.
I will consume all who love you.
[revolution and/or revelation]
[revulsion and/or revision]
There is no escape without sleep.
I am a w[hole]. I empty as I fill.
Child, I missed you. I mist you.
I guest you. I ghost you.
I will be your final meal.
I will meet you within the past.
We will walk the aisle
to the altar of the future.
This will be our final communication.
[commission from late 2020, to be played as a game on a website that I can't currently remember the name of but I'll edit this post if I think of it lmao]
being an adult is putting the fitted sheet back on yr bed during sxx instead of just flinging it across the room to be dealt with when the drxgs wear off
"When the person you are visiting enters and departs you may exchange a brief kiss and embrace.
No other kissing or hugging is allowed. You may hold hands."
-- CFCF prison website
VENUS IN TAURUS
i left after she
came. already planning on
lying at home, too.
i keep coming back to a convo w/ a friend i had about pulling cards every other day instead of every day and it's a cool concept: less stress of remembering to do something every day, more time to consider how you interact w/ the world thru the lense of that card. i think it would be interesting to document the times the cards speak to me in relation to things happening in my life, so i can see if pulling them is having any significant impact on my quality of life/mental health/etc.
gender of the day is "fuckshit cousin"
CRYING IN THE 7/11 PARKING LOT,,,, SHE SAID,
"you're like a pot of gold tucked away in a cave just over the crest of a mountain range"
AND THEN SHE SAID,
"a trek to find yet truly so cherishable and view is so worthwhile"
AND I KEPT CRYING BUT IT FELT OKAY I FELT OKAY
alright guys ive scheduled The Surgery* at the end of November !!!!
*gettin part of my spine removed so i can walk properly lmao
im not anti-FA, im anti fa la la la la la la la la
wow can't wait for The Surgery*
*severing my torso and getting rid of the rest
my favorite sound in the world is strangers laughing in the distance, it just brings me JOY !
ALL GUILTS ARE PLEASURES
a blessed object that looks like a cursed object
"injury or birth"
2day i tasted my homie's breast milk and can confirm it's sweet just like her
acid 222 stimmies 222 cashmonay 222 tattuu (!!!!) "the guy who sells a paperclip and buys a house but the g@y dr*g version"
i said, i know you're tough, you don't have to prove it to me
and then she said, the hardest thing about us is our tattoos
gonna start doing some things differently.
0 DD 777o
"some change cannot be fought, only accepted w/ grace. let yrself move forward, and put this battle behind you."
"a leadership role also demands that you know when to step back"
"there are resources available to you that can only be capitalized upon thru boundless persistence"
fuck, i think i love her, and
am i being followed by the cops or does a cop car just happen to be behind me
The Hole In Me is gettin ROUGH around the edges
IF NOT ABLE TO ELIMINATE THE OPTION OF CAPTURE ONE SHOULD AT LEAST MINIMIZE THE OPPORTUNITY FOR IT
they told me it was lox AND creamcheese but they gave me lox-BASED creamcheese 😤
i can be friends w/ppl who dnt always see eye2eye, rite??
where should i leave to?
when am i welcome?
currently: spraying coconut milk whipped cream into my mouth
horse tranq makes brain feel freshly ironed
woke up from a beautiful dream crying bc it has no basis in reality
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES TRUE
IF I REPEAT IT ENOUGH TIMES IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ENOUGH TIMES IT REPEATS
IF I BELIEVE IT REPEATS IT BECOMES ALIVE
IF I BELIEVE IT ALIVE IT BECOMES TRUE
talking w/ my lawyer is just thought-crime intervention ya know lmao
i understand why this book is an international success but the author describes women so rudely that it barely seems worth it
YOU CAN TRY BUT I WONT GO QUIET
IN THE BACK OF A COP CAR
YOU CAN TRY BUT I WONT GO QUIET
I N T H E B A C K O F A C O P C A R
IF I CANT HAVE LOVE I WANT POWER
do you think jinxing is real? Like talking about stuff will scare it away from happening?
sex is just a weapon that you won't have to use a lot if you're any good at it
can we please start cancelling poets I wanna duke it out in the arena like g0ds
having relationships that change and grow to contain the experiences of that friendship is a blessing. I am learning how to accept support from anywhere even if it is somewhere I wouldn't have accepted before. I am realizing I can hold negative things I know a person has done in the same breath as I know they are anchoring me into the moment. I am so so raw but I want it to work, in the sense that I don't ever want to feel estranged from my heart-friends, even if our paths are no longer together I want to cheer my ex-lovers on! I want to be a supportive person and feel confident about my support people. I want to know in my soul that you will have my back even if we never talk after this. I want to wake up with the ghost of your hand lingering on my hair.
"queerer than a box of birds"
I'm from EN. E. DOUBLEYOU. jerz
i knew it was serious when they took my passport + locked the door
IF I DIE IN CUSTODY AND THEY CALL IT A SUICIDE JUST KNOW THAT IT WASN'T AND THEY KILLED ME
"activation time is 60 min" bi t ch i'm ILL
the bass hits different when yr not here
I FELL IN LOVE / IN THE BACK / OF A COP CAR
"my identity by itself causes violence"
A BAD BITCH
GAVE ME BOMB HEAD
TO BAD BRAINS
[run the jewels]
falling asleep sitting up dreaming about praying in my pastor's voice
"you'd hate a cop car too if you ever had to sit in the back of it" [dae zhen]
hmmm looks like today's gender is "crying in the laundromat"
read a letter today from someone on death row who is rapidly going blind + is being ignored by all the prison doctors, who he says have basically given up on him, + not to put too fine of a point on it, but that's why i hate anyone who works with prisons or cops, even if they don't see themselves as cops; they're just as complicit in upholding the dehumanization of individuals in the system.
i really frICkeED iT Up ThIs tImE didn't i my duuUUUuude
roses are red
the thin line is blue
your bosses & landlord
don't care abt u!!!!!!!!!!!
i am the family emergency
kill: emotional labor
the astrologers in their infinite mercy
only cluck at my cards this time
we all know i’ll skip a party to wait for
a text that doesn’t happen
i’m not making my bed i haven’t in weeks
i’m just lying in it
i came out when poets still listed the states
we were allowed to consummate
marriage in and the crowd chanted
their contrapuntal traumas back
one time i read something that said "whenever i feel uncomfortable in public i write i really gassed up missed connection about myself and feel better" and its truly stuck w/ me as a self-care tactic
multiple small birds keyboard smashing to funky jamz
some reimagined words i like:
jort (short jeans)
svp ('pls' but french)
anartist (anarcho-artist, can be deg. or not)
shants (either 'shall nots' or 'shit pants')
jockey (wearing jeans while playing hockey)
IN TRANNY JAIL PEOPLE WHO HATE ME WILL SHARE THEIR CIGS WITH ME
i don't even like cigs but
around the fire we are all the same kind
of faggot /
there are liberals who think the solution to
overcrowded prisons is building
then sorting the trannies out of regular jail
and putting them in a newly built
and in tranny jail,
we're gonna lift weights and compare shitty tattoos
in tranny jail,
people who have beef with me probably still
have beef with me and i wonder
all the time if we're all
in tranny jail together,
will we finally uplift each other?
will tranny jail make us kinder animals?
(we'll never know b/c if they get enuf of us in a cell we'll bang down the bars)
stay here or go home